Thoughts on parenting

These days I've been struggling my aging parents, and it has made me deeply reconsider the relationship I've had with them over my lifetime.

I always felt unconditionally loved. It's a wonderful way to grow up, and I truly wish every person on earth had that joyous, safe experience in life. I feel like it set me up for a lot of success and stability. I didn't have to do a lot of work to feel confident and proud of myself. In fact, it took me years to understand why a lot of other people struggled. I had to get to really know a number of adults really well in order to start understanding the impact of a parent not loving their child unconditionally. 

But, after two decades of marinating their brains in the 24 hour news cycle of Fox News and other conservative outlets, my parents have become rather politically obnoxious. They express strong opinions about various Republican talking points. They are concerned about "wokeness" in education. They are concerned about trans women/girls participating in sports. They deny that climate-change is man-made and insist that it is just natural weather fluctuations.

My parents have asked their grandchildren in they are "woke".

My father, particularly, has developed odd ideas--he even seems to have created what I believe are false memories. One odd one is a story of a band of "gypsies" (his term, not mine) who robbed his store. In his telling, these people entered the store, and the women created a distraction by arguing with the store staff, and waving around their scarves and skirts and loud, clattering jewelry. While they did this, other members of the group stole pricey equipment from outside.

This supposed event would have taken place in Northern New England in the late 1980's. Perhaps this did happen, but I find it improbable that a caravan was roaming about, behaving in such a way, at that place and time.

So...what does all this have to do with parenting?

Their statements about the LGBTQ+ community has made me start to wonder if their love really ever was unconditional. Perhaps I just conveniently didn't challenge their beliefs. If I had been queer, or trans, I wonder if they would have turned me out, or treated me with some sort of tight-lipped "tolerance" while gritting their teeth.

Even though nothing "happened" per se, it's not a good feeling. I'm questioning the depth of the love I felt. I also wonder if I was always aware of this, and just complied in advance to satisfy the limitations and expectations that were placed on me. My life is happy--I have a wonderful partner, wonderful children (who I truly do love unconditionally) and an interesting career. I have good friends and creative outlets. I live in safety and relative comfort. But I wonder--would I have made different choices if they hadn't been judgement of so many things? Or is all this judgement and ugliness truly new and simply a laminate placed over the real parents who did raise me with love?

I've wished for years that they had never gotten cable. But I can't parse out who they were versus who they have become, and honestly I don't know if my youthful perception of joy and safety was ever accurate.

Epilogue, perhaps

I was summoned back to this blog when I received a notification asking if I wanted to keep it active and continue to moderate comments.

It has been 11 years since I posted, and Squirrel is now an adult (of sorts, as much as an 18 year-old can be). He went through a sea change at 13. His behavior in class became a complete non-issue. His meds were working, and we were able to settle into a routine. While not the most diligent student, he was a very good student, maintaining about a 90 average throughout high school.

He wound up becoming interested in physics, and through that computer science. He's at a decent school that focuses on computers and tech, and is just in heaven. He's surrounded by people with similar interests (gaming, fixing computers). He has a campus job a few hours a week.

Despite these successes, Squirrel never really caught up in math. Because of his constant behavioral issues, he was on a "regular" track with math. He took Algebra in 9th grade, Geometry in 10th, etc. While this is fine, it's obviously not ideal for someone going into a STEM field. I somewhat regret not figuring out a way to push him forward a bit in math. That said, I feel like he can figure it out from here.

My point in posting this is that there can be successes. We may sometimes have to redefine our image of what success looks like. I went through periods of concern that my son would never have good relationships, or be capable of living independently. I realized, through those concerns, that having perfect academics, or achievements in sports or arts just weren't things I could worry about. I needed to focus on these core issues, and ensure that he would be able to have a sense of ownership over an independent life, and be able to share that life with others.

I feel like he's on his way, and life feels good.

Good report!

Squirrel's teacher pulled me aside and said that he has been great recently--working hard in school, not causing trouble.

This is a big relief...the start of the year was so rough. I really wish that we had been able to work out his meds issues over the summer. I had the proper feedback from his camp to do this, but our psychiatrist dragged his feet...if we had acted on the camp's information back in July, Squirrel wouldn't have had any problems this year.

Live and learn. I think I need to change psychiatrists, but just can't do it right now. The place I'd like to move will mean a few thousand out of pocket, and several visits. We just don't have the time or money. As long as Squirrel is maintaining from a pharmacological standpoint, we're ok. I just feel that when problems arise, this psychiatrist is not the right fit for us.

I was telling my husband last night that when you're 20, problems are pretty easily solved for $100 or less. These days, it seems like every time anything comes up, the solution requires us to shell out $5 or $10k. It's brutal.

Now that we've got Squirrel's behavior under control, we can move on to our next problem: his handwriting! I've never seen anything written on this, but it seems to me from my casual observations of other kids I know w/ADHD, that there is a distinctive handwriting issue. When I see the writing of boys under 10 who have ADHD, there's a similarity to them--letters are not of uniform size...they are randomly small or huge. The boys don't keep on the lines of their paper. Punctuation and capital letters are ignored, words run together.

Squirrel's dad has similar issues w/punctuation and capitalization, and even at 40 he still resists writing as much as possible.

I'm not looking for my son to be a calligrapher or anything...I would just like it if he were capable of writing a note that is legible to others.

Considering getting and IEP for him w/regard to handwriting, as I foresee issues in standardized tests in the future that require writing, and I want him to have accommodations--not sure if they allow kids w/such problems to type. I don't see "extra time" as being helpful, but I think being allowed to type would be very, very helpful.

As promised, a poem

This was written by a woman I met...Gloria Franklin. She's absolutely the most delightful, witty person. While I am grateful to her for sharing these sort of emotions through her poetry...it terrifies me that my son might ever feel this way. I want to protect him, although I know it isn't realistic to believe that I can do that. She included a footnote with this: Frank Netter--prodigious illustrator of anatomy.

Making a reservation for the ER, Veteran's Day--1975

Rain drenched I open my arm
baring like Netter the
treasures of my flesh.
Red, white and blue threads,
the longitudes of life severed
and gaping pour my divine spirit,
pungent as calves liver,
on the ground.
I share with heroes the task
of renurtuing, my blood/mud
rich and shiny. We wait
in our trenches,
on our raincoats,
eyewitnesses,
and do nothing.

The trickling stops!
Gash again.
Nothing.
Then resurrect. Take your
Burberry to the Whirlpool
Study the orange bubbles.
Now call your devoted husband.

Plug him into the shocking news.
He'll come for you and care for you.
He'll mop the floor
and telephone for help
--your psychiatrist.
Dr. Rosenthal's angry.
But then I never understood
transference.

Alert Sinai!
Push aside the dying!
Prepare to sew!
Not a surgeon, but OZ!
The Wizard of Oz to scrub!
QUICKLY!
The straw is coming out
Of another
Scarecrow.

Back to school/back to square one

Squirrel's psychiatrist and I sat down and reviewed what we have been doing. The camp experience didn't really prove particularly helpful, and the meds Squirrel has been getting don't help him the way we would like.

So here's our question: if rigorous behavior modification techniques aren't working, and meds aren't working...is this actually ADHD?

On the second day of school, on 15mg of Adderall XR, Squirrel was sent home for being disruptive (jumping around clowning, playing with the blinds...etc. etc. etc...making banging noises).

His psychiatrist suggested, perhaps, that we are looking at Childhood Bipolar. I didn't much like the sound of this, but when I read the description...it fit. Very well. I described that to Squirrel's dad, using the term, "Mood disorder", and he agreed that it sounded familiar.

I'm not to keen on the treatments for this...but I'm not too keen on Squirrel's inability to function these days, or his frustration.

I'll post back...I'm kind of sad about this. I had hoped it would be just so easy to treat my little guy...he'd get some meds and some therapy, and it would be just like in his book, "Taking ADHD to School" where the meds & therapy changed everything and made life perfect.

But...nothing is easy, right? Aurgh...I've always told everyone that Squirrel is so simple...he only has ADHD...no learning disability, no language processing issues, no sensory issues and no anxiety. Joke's on me, no?

Oh, well. Whatever his problems are, I just want them to be treated as well as possible. I don't care what diagnosis he has, as long as we can relieve his frustrations.

Childhood Bipolar is a controversial diagnosis...but I understand that it doesn't necessarily turn into adult bipolar. And even if it does...one of the loveliest people I've ever met has lived with Bopolar Disorder for 70 years, so it's not a death sentence or anything. I'll post a poem she wrote tomorrow (or when I remember...which may not be then).

OK...hope everyone else is having a much better back-to-school time than I am...

Back to school blues

It's time for my annual pre-school freakout.

Squirrel is with my parents for 1.5 weeks, and then he will be here...we'll straighten up his wardrobe, buy his pencils, and then he's back to school.

Of course, I am terrified. He had a great year in first grade! Excellent! Now, he has two new teachers. I have called in to set up time to meet with them (read: warn them--ha ha), and have advised that they speak with with his first grade teacher, because he had such a successful year with him.

But, I worry...am I doing the best thing for him? Should he be in a Special Needs situation? He's in general ed, but since it is a private school, the class size is relatively small (about 20--haven't seen the official list for this year). So...I feel like a small class is good...

Should I throw him into public and have him fail his way into special needs private? That's an option...I'm sure he could be disruptive enough. If our goal were to make that happen, it could.

His dad and I love having him in a dual-language setting.

I feel like Tevye...one the one hand...on the other hand...and on the other hand...I HAVE TOO MANY HANDS!!! and only one son with ADHD.

I'm meeting with his camp in a few weeks for an "exit interview", and maybe they have some ideas.

I just want him to be able to live a good life--finish school, have a job he likes, and a successful relationship. I don't care if he wants to be a clown, a gardener...whatever. As long as he is able to be happy. I don't want him to have a string of failures and frustrations...

Is that so much to ask?

Camp

In the past, Squirrel had attended "regular" camps in the summer. I knew they weren't ideal for him, but we went with what was affordable for us, and basically were pleased that they tolerated him. A successful summer was one where he didn't get expelled from camp.

This summer, my parents footed the bill for him to attend NYU's ADHD camp.

Having a vivid imagination, my vision of a special needs camp was that it would be hearts and unicorns--totally stress free for me.

Now, relatively speaking, this was the case. I didn't have to worry about him being expelled from the program, because they specifically designed it for kids with ADHD. 2:1 camper:counselor ratio, and the counselors are all grad students specializing in special ed or somesuch. So...a great improvement over the (very nice but ill-equipped) high school students he is accustomed to having.

My idealistic vision of the summer: Squirrel would have a consistent curve of improvement, and would enter school in the fall looking like every other kid.

Now, this was unrealistic...but it was what I hoped.

During the first two weeks of camp, he did have this happen--he improved daily, responded well to their system of carrot and stick, and mommy was elated. No rolling eyes at dropoff, no ignorant statements from counselors and parents, no calls that he was misbehaving, and he was *included* in everything. So often my son winds up isolated.

Then, this sort of meltdown occurred. My impression and that of the clinician? Meds need adjusting.

Squirrel had been taking 15 mg of Adderall XR since last fall. I had always had doubts that this was the ideal med for him. But, given the fact that his school situation was somewhat precarious, I was hesitant to fiddle with it. It seemed to be good enough to get by, so we rolled with it.

The clinician suggested that we increase to 20 mg, but his shrink and I both felt that was too much. I couldn't recall the specifics, but we had tried him on 20 mg and I did NOT like the result. I think he was having horrible meltdowns as he came off it. But, I didn't keep a specific enough diary at that time to look back at it.

So, we decided to give Focalin a try. After a bit of futzing around with the dosage (the clinician called this "titrating" the meds...I recall the term from HS Chemistry class. Not a fond memory for me, so I refused to use the word, preferring futz around), we settle on 10mg of Focalin XR (or EP or whatever it...EL? XL?). Whatever--the long-acting one.

It seems to help Squirrel without making him jittery & agitated, which I had always thought was part of his reaction to Adderall. It's very hard to figure out how a med affects a child. Even though Squirrel is extremely precocious with language and self-expression, he isn't quite able to self-report this kind of information. He says he likes the Focalin better, but can't really tell me why.

At any rate, I was able to reevaluate my summer experience with ADHD camp. Once I settled for the fact that figuring out meds is a great thing to have gotten out of it, I stopped feeling disappointed. NYU provides parenting classes as part of the camp experience, and I feel like I've carried a lot of information & skills out of those. Squirrel hasn't bonded friendship-wise in the way I would have liked, but it's hard to know if my expectation that he would come out of this with 1-2 new friends was too high.

I suppose the best outcome of the camp was that he had a summer where he fit in...he wasn't the bad one, the one getting in trouble, the weird one, the one on timeout, the kid no one liked. He was just another kid in the group.

The proving ground for me is that he has asked if he can go back. He said that he preferred this to his old camp, because NYU's camp focuses on the positives, and the camps he had attended in the past were very negative for him. IE, don't do this, stop that, leave him alone, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They manage to enforce discipline at this camp while saying yes, and our kids with ADHD just don't hear yes enough. They don't feel wanted and included enough.

So...my family might not get to eat this winter, because I would like to repeat the camp experience next year. I'm gagging just thinking about the price, but I do feel that the self-esteem benefits are worth the price tag.

*sigh*

Maybe there will be a big upturn in the stock market during the last quarter?