Dealing with people

One of the things I have found that stinks the most about dealing with ADHD is that people are always questioning if the disease actually exists. "Oh, Squirrel is just spirited." "I hope you aren't going to dope him up on medication." "Have you tried changing his diet?"

Well, thank you for your input...but he isn't just spirited. He is unable to control himself. And yes, I am "doping him up". And, I don't think that a kid's diet has anything to do with it, unless it is made up entirely out of processed foods and soft drinks.

The thing is, I felt the same way prior to having a kid with this disorder. I thought people parked their kids in front of the TV and just let them rot there, eating chips, and then would drug the kids when they were hyperactive due to a lack of activity. I thought that medicating children had to do with the parents' laziness. I thought that the disorder was overdiagnosed.

Things are so different when you're on the other side of the fence!

We are hyper vigilant about Squirrel's behavior. We are religious about putting him to bed on time. He gets exercise every day. He eats quite well--we cook most of our food at home, so it's relatively healthy.

Medicating him was our last option, after trying behavioral approaches for over a year. These approaches failed--not because we didn't try hard enough. They failed because little Squirrel's brain just doesn't have the ability to do what we were asking. If you only have one leg, you aren't going to be able to perform in a ballet. If your brain is missing certain chemicals...you can't sit still.

With friends, I just don't discuss this, because I don't really feel like defending my position. With family, I have explained everything. If they disagree, they have generally been thoughtful enough to just keep it to themselves.

So, the head teacher at Squirrel's school informed me that he is being thrown out of daycare.

I kind of saw this one coming. Squirrel has recently been proclaiming that day care is "boring" and that the proctor was making "stupid rules". My estimation? Not very interesting, not very structured. Someday, when he's 20 or so, I will be able to laugh at this. You know..."You got expelled from daycare." But, when Mama has to work...he has to be somewhere until 5:00.

Squirrel heard that my job (silly me for opening my big mouth) has a big fridge filled with free soda and juice, and that we have pizza delivered on Fridays. Quite honestly, I think he has had this plan in his mind that he could get tossed from daycare, and then I would pick him up, and he could spend his after school time hanging out in my office with his PSP, noshing on free pizza and sucking down Yoo Hoos.

The reality? If I tried to bring him here, he would be on top of me, trying to use the computer and bellowing at the top of his lungs (poor Squirrel has no indoor voice...it's sort of like hanging out the ring announcer from the WWE all the time). I would end up sweaty and angsty and basically trying to sit on his head to keep him quiet.

So, I must spend the rest of my free time today trying to find a suitable after school alternative.

Oh, the good news is that the teachers see a clear improvement in his classwork. Hurrah!

Behavior

I've learned over the past few days that increased attention span doesn't necessarily translate into good behavior. It seems that little Squirrel still needs to learn how to behave.

Sigh. I had thought it would be automatic. But, he's still getting into kids faces and kind of yelling at them...he was fighting with his friend in the elevator on the way into school this AM (however, I think this has more to do with his relationship with this particular boy than my son's behavior in general--they literally started poking, kicking and hitting each other the second they were within range of each other, but they really adore each other--no, it doesn't make sense--but, then, I'm not a six year old boy).

The hardest part of ADHD for us has been Squirrel's social problems. At first, he's very appealing to kids. He can walk into a room of strangers, and all the kids will be drawn to this loud clownish boy. But, within 15 minutes, he will have alienated all the kids.

We get invited to people's houses, and then the parents stop returning my calls and emails. Honestly, it really sucks. It would actually be nice if they would give me some sort of feedback...

I'm thinking that this stuff will go better now that he has an actual diagnosis. I don't know if it will make people more sympathetic to his social awkwardness. My impression has been that people think Squirrel is undisciplined--that our parenting skills are lax.

So, going forward, when we meet a new family, I guess I will mention that he has ADHD, and that this affects his behavior. I don't really know any other way to proceed. I don't like the idea of him going through life as a social pariah because of this--he really is a sweet kid.

Last night, while taking the subway home, he said, "Can kids be bad guys?"

"Why do you ask that, honey?"

"Well," he said, "I'm taking this medicine now [Concerta] and it made me think about kids who have cancer and stuff...they take medicine..."

"You know that you aren't taking medicine for anything like cancer, right? You aren't sick."

"No, mommy, I know...but if a kid who has cancer dies..."

"Oh, you want to know if they go to heaven?"

"Yes. I wanted to know if they can be bad guys and maybe..." He didn't even want to say this part. He just sat there, quietly looking at me.

"No, Squirrel. I think that kids who die of cancer go to heaven."

"Oh. Good." He went back to playing with his transformer.

I guess I should mention that we are friends with a 4 year old girl who has cancer. This has made me appreciate Squirrel's ADHD. I mean, even though this is a problem that has to be addressed...there are so many things in life that are far worse. I far prefer ADHD!

Introduction to our story

My son (in order to protect his privacy I'll be calling him Squirrel here--we aren't from the Ozarks and no, I didn't actually name my child Squirrel) was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago.

Receiving the diagnosis was a relief to me. He has been in trouble at school daily since age 3.

We didn't know, of course, that there was anything "wrong" with him for a long time. We never had children before, so we had no idea that most kids could sit still at age three to eat, or play a game. We thought it was normal that he was moving constantly, talking constantly. We questioned our parenting--even went to a behavioralist to work on our approach.

These things were helpful, but there was a limit to the efficacy. Squirrel was very frustrated by January of this year. He looked at me with his big brown eyes and told me he was doing his best to behave in school, but the negative reports kept coming in.

The school has always worked closely with us, and they felt he had reached his limit as well. So, shortly after his sixth birthday, we headed out to a pediatric neurologist and got the diagnosis.

He started taking Concerta four days ago, and we see a change in his behavior. He can actually sit and play a board game, sit and eat a meal, sit and listen while a story is read. I understand that this is a lifelong problem, and that we will have to work closely with him on his behavior. But, the fact that he has the tool he needs is making such a difference.

Over the next week or so, I'll post a little every day to get the back story all filled in. Squirrel has the hyperactive type of ADHD, and we are very fortunate that he doesn't have any learning disability. I fear he has what I have seen called Oppositional/Defiant disorder. Is this a disorder, though? Or is this his personality?

This has been my question throughout this journey so far...what is a "problem", what is a "disorder", and what is personality? Is there some ideal out there to which we should all strive? Is the goal to medicate and exercise behavior modification techniques until all unique traits are extinguished? Lots of people have negative aspects to their personalities...and these are part of what makes us all individuals.