We go back to the Dr. tomorrow. I think we will up Squirrel's dosage a bit and see what happens. I hope someday that the guesswork is taken out of this.

Over the weekend, I had a chance to see a documentary (it's on HBO On Demand right now)called My Flesh and Blood (http://chaikenfilms.com/Frameset(films).html). It's about a woman who adopted 11 special needs kids. It's a very uplifting story, though hard to watch at times.

One of the boys, Joe, has ADHD. He also has Cystic Fibrosis, and had a sketchy young childhood b/c his mom was a meth addict, so he bounced around a bit. I couldn't help but think that Squirrel would be a lot like that boy if he faced those additional challenges of physical problems and having a weaker emotional base in life.

I guess it made me feel better about what I have done so far to make sure he becomes a nice boy, and a functioning member of society. At times I have a lot of guilt for losing my temper when he is difficult. But, I guess that overall, I'm providing stable, caring support.

Once, when Squirrel was about three or so, we were having a really difficult bedtime. I remember placing him in his bed and kind of roaring "That's it! I have lost my temper!" and storming out of the room. He was very quiet for a time, then came out and quite earnestly said, "Mommy? Can I help you find your temper?" Of course, that made me cry, and I think I went in his room and rubbed his head until he fell asleep.

I guess seeing this boy just made me realize how lucky we are to be dealing with only one problem, and how lucky Squirrel is to be born into a family where his ADHD is out greatest concern, and his parents aren't trying to manage their own problems with drugs or whatever (not that we are problem free or anything, but I like to think we handle our problems as a family).

It seems as though the Ritalin is working out all right. We go back to the doctor next week, so I'll look for more feedback from the school before definitely saying everything is OK.

I must say that I wish they made these pills in 5 mg doses--they could just add a little sugar or something, and have 5 mg instead of only 10. Cutting those pills in half is silly! I have to get a razor blade, I guess. The pills are tiny, and when I cut them, they crumble a bit. Since the amounts we are talking about are so tiny, I worry about consistent levels.

Maybe they do make the 5mg pills--I will have to ask the Dr.

We found out of Friday that the school has refused to accept a friend of Squirrel's back as a first grader. The school had been working with the parents--I guess this boy had some hearing loss, and because the school is bilingual, his minor setbacks in language caused huge obstacles for him. The school felt that he would do better in a single language setting.

Well, since this boy's family is multinational (like my own family), they (of course) are upset by this. Then, the mom said the craziest thing to me!

Because she was having trouble with the school, and we were also having trouble with the school, she and I had met up to vent over coffee & etc. lots of times. She said she was mad at the school for putting her through all these trials just to refuse to accept her son(fair enough). Then she said, she would be even more mad if she were in my situation where the school had demanded that we medicate our son!

Well, I tried to be nice because I knew she was upset, but this really annoyed me. I told her that the school hadn't told us that we had to medicate him or he was out! We feel that medicating him is necessary to his emotional/intellectual development, and he would be getting this medication regardless of what school he went to!

It just goes to show you...even a smart person who hasn't dealt with this firsthand can carry a lot of prejudices and misconceptions. At any rate, I called her on Sunday to see how she's doing getting her son into another school for next year, and she isn't returning my calls (she's generally quite good about this stuff).

It seems to me that she has written our experience into her own personal drama...painting the school administration as "bad" and making it out that they demand that kids be medicated in order to attend their school.

Meanwhile, although we have had a struggle with the school, we are delighted to have him in a place where the school is open to working with us, and willing to provide the kind of feedback we need in order to help our son be successful in his education.

So, it seems I've lost a mommy friend...it's amazing how shallow some relationships turn out to be...a guy I met called them incidental relationships. Once the class is over or whatever, you never hear from these people again. I hate that kind of thing--I talk to people because I like them, not because they just happen to be near me.

Ah, well. Life goes on.

The school said yesterday was a good day.

Silly, but I get so proud of Squirrel for the simplest things...maybe stuff other moms take for granted. If he doesn't get into trouble all day, I'm elated!

His school has a system...if the kid behaves all day, they get a "green". If they are kind of good, but not really..."yellow". I'm sure you understand that the other option is "red".

Well, Squirrel has had a lot of red days, and a lot of yellow days, but green days are special. One day after school, he ran up to a classmate's mom and proudly said, "I got green! What did Julia get?" The mom looked confused and said, "What do you mean you 'got green'?"

And then I realized that lots of parents don't even have to think about these thing! They just drop off their kids and prance off without a care in the world! I would looooooove to be able to drop off Squirrel and not have to worry about his behavior. I hate it when my phone rings during the day, and I cringe...is it the school? What did he do?

Hopefully, we'll get this all under control, and with the meds and our hard work, I won't have to worry.

Oh, the neurologist wrote a wonderful two-page report on Squirrel. He sent it to the pediatrician, and he sent a copy to us. Quite comprehensive. I'm really impressed by it. Great guy...Dr. Frank at Mt. Sinai.

Ritalin

Squirrel started his Ritalin today. My goodness, they are much easier for him to swallow than Concerta!

I figured out what our problems are with Squirrel's school--he is their first kid ever with ADHD!! Seems impossible, but since it's a private school...maybe they just threw the other kids out. I think we're just fortunate that he is bright and a good learner...I don't think they would bother with us otherwise. I also like to think that they find us easy to deal with as parents!

Speaking of parents...

Mine have been a fantastic help through all this. Both of my parents were teachers, and my mother had a second career in mental health. They have looked up books and done research with us. My mother especially has been fantastic. She worked in elementary special ed, so she (working mostly in the late 70's and early 80's) was surely dealing with a bunch of undiagnosed, untreated kids with ADHD. She dealt with their frustrations, and has a real understanding of the challenges we face.

On the other end of the spectrum are my husband's parents! He often calls them hicks. Now, I'll say that (although they are both extremely intelligent people) they never got much in the way of a formal education...

When the husband told his mother about our choice to have Squirrel medicated, she flipped. "How can you do that? He will be addicted to the drugs!"

Anecdotally, my husband was thrown out of 17 schools for disciplinary problems. He had immense problems (related to the ADHD) careerwise before being diagnosed a couple of years ago. He regrets that his own time and talents were wasted because a neurological disorder was untreated (not that it would have been treated at that point, necessarily).

So, a lot of our motivation as parents is to make sure that Squirrel doesn't have to go through this! There is no reason for a child to be bounced from school to school! It's hard enough to form friendships when you have ADHD.

We'll see how the Ritalin goes...I'm hoping that this dosage change works. The neurologist doesn't care much for Strattera...he prefers older drugs. I tend to agree.

It's a two-post day!

Well, we had it out with the school. Fortunately, when they decided they wanted us to pick up Squirrel (he had been talking about "penises" and "boobies" with his classmates, and being otherwise generally unruly), they called big Daddy Squirrel, instead of me. I'm a bit...timid, I guess, when it comes to confrontation.

He absolutely exploded! "No! I am not coming to pick him up! Unless he has been hitting children, there's no way. You deal with his behavior and send him back to class."

Anyway, Squirrel was put on the phone with his dad, he meekly apologized, tucked in his tail, and slinked (slunk?) back to class.

Sometimes I think he looooves getting into trouble.

So, I spoke with the head teacher. She is going to meet with the Kindergarten staff, and come up with an "action plan" to deal with him. She agreed that sending him home wasn't working, because it was just encouraging him to misbehave in order to get something else to do in the day. Well, duh!

So, that's done with. Now we just have to figure out how to get him to knuckle under and follow the rules.

Squirrel's dad also has ADHD. He was diagnosed as an adult. He generally takes Ritalin, but he tried one of Squirrel's unused Concerta pills yesterday. He said it's really powerful! He had a lot of ups and downs (periods of extreme fatigue, for instance, the worst one being a few hours after initially taking the med--this corresponds with one of Squirrel's difficult times of the day).

Although I guess technically he shouldn't have taken one (though, Ritalin is the same drug), I was glad he did this. Gave us a little insight into what our child was going through when he was on it.

We have the Dr.'s appt tomorrow to discuss the new meds and progress.

Interesting: when I told my boss I had to get Squirrely from school because he'd been running around, he said, "since when is that a crime". Ah, too true. Kids are, after all, kids.

Squirrel told me that there are a few boys in his class who will goad him into misbehaving, and then sit by and laugh when he gets into trouble. We asked his dad for advice on this subject (since I never, ever got into any trouble at all when I was in school). He said that when these boys start, to just go and play as close to the teachers as possible.

See, since he's the kid who is always in trouble, the other kids know that if something happens, Squirrel will always be blamed if he is anywhere near the incident. I know the teachers don't do this intentionally--it is natural. But, that doesn't mean my little boy has to suffer.

Anyway, the school year is nearly out, and he will have a new (male! Yay!) teacher next year.

We've decided to speak with Squirrel's school about the way they've been sending him home from school lately. Specifically--what does this actually accomplish? It's certainly not a punishment--what could be more fun than spending the afternoon with mom or dad? Even if we try to make it boring, it's certainly more exciting than an afternoon of school.

Also, both times we were asked to go get him last week, he was completely calm when we got there...I could see if he were literally tearing the classroom apart or poking children or something...but he was sitting there quietly doing his classwork. Strange things are afoot, methinks.

I'm looking forward to our doctor's appt. on Wednesday. The Dr. and I are going to put Squirrely on Ritalin...so, once I get the script, we'll have to go to the pharmacy (our local pharmacy doesn't handle "controlled substances", so we have to venture into a different neighborhood to get the prescriptions filled), then on Thursday AM, he will be ready again.

The little guy is really looking forward to being back on the meds. He liked being able to sit still. Oh, man...we like it, too!!!

He had an OK weekend. But, we didn't try anything particularly tough. We did some gardening in the park on Saturday, played games all afternoon, and then just went to church on Sunday. Easy, although Sunday School is often challenging for him.

Squirrel was sent home from school today because he was "bouncing off the walls". Well, ok. He's off meds. I'm not upset, really, because he didn't *do* anything (ie, he wasn't acting up by hitting or mixing it up with other kids). I had told him that I knew he wouldn't necessarily be able to sit still without the meds, but that I expected him to be nice.

So, he is here at my office until 3:00 when his after school program at the Y starts. He is running around, doing everyone's recycling (cans & newspapers). I'm hoping he doesn't make too much of a nuisance out of himself.

I'm not getting much done, but I didn't have all that much to do, anyhow.

Interesting note on behavior problems related to other kids: I don't claim that my son is a saint or anything, but I am aware that kids with ADHD get in trouble so often that they are often presumed guilty. Other kids become aware of this, and they cause trouble, knowing that this poor ADHD kid will be blamed. Just something to think about--I've seen it happen with Squirrel. He and another kid start poking each other or whatnot, and suddenly the authority figure swoops in, "Squirrel? Leave him alone."

Now, I'm not saying that they intend to blame him when he is innocent (or perhaps equally culpable), but it happens...I try to make sure he doesn't get unjustly accused at home. When he's doing something questionable, I try to figure out his motives (ie, when he cut a hole in his sheet, was he willfully doing this? Or was he just trying to cut a piece of paper and the sheet got cut at the same time?). It seems to me that it would be very frustrating to be always assumed guilty, and that frustration and fatigue might cause the kids to stop trying to be good at all.

Tuesday afternoon, the school called me to say that Squirrel had been crying a lot. Every time there would be the smallest confrontation, he would break down into uncontrollable tears.

Quick call to the pediatric neurologist, and he said to immediately stop the Concerta. Not the easiest thing to do! Well, in a sense it is easy. You just don't give it to him.

But, picture this...Concerta had been causing him to have trouble falling asleep. So, on Tuesday it's in his system. He can't fall asleep and is rattling around in his room until about 10PM--his normal bedtime is about 8 or 8:30 PM, and he wake up at 7 or 7:30AM. So, normally, get gets anywhere from 10-11 hours of sleep. Wednesday AM, he wakes up at 7:30...he had 9.5 hours. Now, this might be a lot of sleep for an adult, but it's just not enough for this guy.

Let's couple this with the fact that he had gotten accustomed to getting stimulants during the day. So, he doesn't get them. Odds are, he's tired and irritable (I would have been).

As a mom, I think: should I have waited to take him off until the weekend? What's better, a weepy depressed kid, or an irritated, belligerent kid? As a mom, I prefer him belligerent, I guess (my old punk sensibilities are showing, perhaps). A melancholic six year old is just...odd.

I mean, this boy's favorite song is Lazy Generation by the F-Ups. Maybe on Concerta, he would start listening to stuff like...I don't know...whatever the 2006 version of Morrissey is.

So, the school tells me he was awful. We also got a call from his new after school program with the usual refrain, "He's belligerent, he doesn't respect authority..." Blah blah blah. I know.

So, the doc and I are going to try Ritalin, which you can give in lower doses. We'll see how that goes.

Meanwhile, I'm back on pins and needles. What's he going to do today? Will I have to leave work and go fetch him from the principal
s office? He's a very creative boy...anything could happen.

Things that have gotten him sent to the principal's office in the past: Showing his penis to one of his female classmates. Biting a boy really hard on the arm (in Squirrel's defense, this boy had *asked* to be bitten and was delighted...so, it was more typical dumbass behavior than violent). Throwing toys at naptime (this one happened several times).

So, that's that. I get to sit here waiting for the phone to ring. It's sort of like wondering if a guy will call, except that no one gets laid in the end.

Squirrel "graduated" from Kindergarten at his Sunday School. Usually, he goes to Sunday School while I am in church, but because of the graduation ceremony, the kids were at the service today. I was so proud of him for being able to sit still! We left after the service was about 1/2 over (but in our church, that means he was there for an hour!). I know Kindergarten graduations of any type are sort of silly, but I was teary eyed through much of the service just because he was able to sit still (relatively still--he is only 6, after all) and not make a scene! It was really a pleasure.

When we left, a couple of the other families gave us dirty looks. It's funny to me that they had no idea that even making it through 1/2 the service was such a milestone for us! Important note to self--don't judge strangers.

Squirrel has been on meds for a week and a half now. His concentration is better, but he seems to be...very sensitive (this is how his teachers put it). He used to throw occasional fits, but this would be when other kids wouldn't do what he said. Now he seems to simply get upset at times. I suppose this is something to discuss with the doctor when we go back.

I've made a log to track his behavior. Did he sit still today, did he wait for his turn, did he have any outbursts. I showed it to him, and we discussed his goals. To make it seem more fair, I am going to show him my diet journal where his fat mama has to keep track of her eating. Just like his tendency is toward wildness and inappropriate behavior, I have a tendency to gorge on ice cream or whatnot.

He is doing better swallowing the pills in the morning. He has to take it whole, because it is time released. I have found that it works best if I place it waaaay back on his tongue, and then he drinks from a juice box. He likes the fact that the juice from these is warm--we tried using juice from the fridge, and he didn't have a good result because the juice "froze" his throat.

Aside from being a little wasteful (I really don't like using disposable things more than necessary), I suppose this is OK with me. I will just have to buy a whole load of juice boxes! In fact, I will have to do this tonight.

So, today he got the pill down in two tries, and I didn't end up getting upset. I'm not happy about getting upset with him ever for this...but mornings are tough and I have to get him out the door in time to get to school! I know it is hard for kids to swallow pills. At any rate, it's my own fault for losing my temper some of the days where it was tougher--I just have to remember that me losing my cool doesn't help anything.

Squirrel is very forgiving when I lose my temper. We discuss it afterward, and I apologize.

We did more hidden picture puzzles on the train today. Although he likes these a lot, I think I have to get a different puzzle book so we can alternate. I'm getting the feeling that he's finding it a bit dull--the maze book was much better.