Self Reflection

Today my son said something to me that made me cry. We were running an errand after dinner...he picked up a leaf and handed it to me, and picked up one for himself. He said, "Blow it and make a wish." So, I did...mine was just silly...wishing that I'd get a good price on the used stroller we were picking up (I already basically knew that this wish would be fulfilled).

He turned to me and said, "I wished that life wasn't so hard. That I could just behave." He's six. It just kills me that he is feeling this way at six. I just hope that things get easier for him as time passes.

Soft Signs

All is going well with Squirrelly--he graduated from Kindergarten without incident. I knew he would be fine during the show! Everyone thought he looked dapper in his seersucker suit, and he was very proud to receive his diploma.

I was talking with my mother, and she mentioned that even at a VERY young age, in retrospect, she thinks it was apparent that Squirrel had ADHD.

For instance, most babies will look at toys--hold them in their hands, examine them...Squirrel would just sort of throw toys around and create a mess. He never organized things, played with sorting toys--he just would create messes.

He never would fall asleep in his stroller, never fell asleep in our arms walking around town, and only rarely would fall asleep in the car. He was always fidgety, and always had trouble falling asleep.

Interesting. Squirrel's little brother (now 8 mos) seems to be much more patient, and takes time to really examine things...of course I hope that the little guy doesn't have ADHD.

The fight

Last night Squirrel came home telling me a weird story--something about him getting into a fight with a boy at school. Now, the school hadn't called me...so I had some sense that Squirrel hadn't done anything too terrible.

But, of course, I'm always worried b/c his impulse control is so minimal.

According to his side of the story, this boy had been teasing and pestering him, he had told the teacher, tried to separate himself, and the boy just kept on after him endlessly, eventually having a physical fight.

Additionally, I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned that Squirrel is quite a big boy--he stands a head above average height kids his age. He's a skinny thing (fidgeting burns a lot of calories, right?), but weighs about 55 lbs at 6yrs. I forget how tall he is.

This boy just happens to be the smallest and youngest kid in the class. He comes up to my boy's shoulder, and is just a little whisp of a thing. That said, it has always been my impression that this kid is quite scrappy and eager to mix it up. However, the idea of my gigantic son having a physical altercation with such a wee little boy is just...well, it would be pretty embarrassing.

I am always suspicious of stories where Squirrel sounds like he's completely innocent. I gave him the benefit of the doubt--I said there would be no punishment for the fight, but I would talk w/the teacher. If he was telling the truth, we would have a treat. If he wasn't telling the truth...I gave him my "look". Of course, I didn't really have some horrible plan, but I think it is best to just put a little fear in their hearts sometimes.

The last thing I needed, of course, was to find out that Squirrel had been in trouble--considering the problems with next year's enrollment.

Got to school this AM, graduation gown in hand...HE HAD TOLD ME THE TRUTH!! Not only that...the teacher said that Squirrel had handled himself perfectly in the situation! He made great choices, tried to avoid the boy, so he got into no trouble at all.

She said he was proud of him, and I am proud of him, too.

Yay!

Dad is making a cake...I'm going to let Squirrel buy one of those icky toys that come out of vending machines at the grocery store (he loves these, and I only let him get them on special occasions).

Woo-hoo! We have to celebrate life's little accomplishments.

Was it a bad meeting?

Sigh. Sometimes I just don't know what to think.

I was presented with a letter that stated that Squirrel's admission to the school next year is conditional--we have to agree to provide the school with reports from the Neurologist (no problem--I've got that) and with a Psychological evaluation. Additionally, the school will be working on a behavior modification program, and we have to agree to that.

This is fine--I have no problem doing these things (that was the plan anyhow). It is silly to me that the school's standpoint seems to be that we are in any way opposed to these treatments!

Actually, my main issue with the school is that I don't feel that they give us adequate feedback--am I really supposed to rely on a 6yo to self-report his own behavior? Especially when he might be ashamed of that behavior?

So, whatever. It isn't as though, in the NYC school system, I have any other options at this point. We just have to go for it.

They claim that if he doesn't improve in the first three months next year, they will toss him out as of November 30th. Again--whatever. We'll just do what we can, and deal with things as they come. What else are we supposed to do?

They said that in the morning, when he gets 5 mg of Ritalin, he looks "stoned" and in the afternoon when he gets 2.5 mg, he is unruly. My question--is "stoned" good? Is he learning? Or is "stoned" bad and he is zoned out? I

Part of me just wants to tell this school to shove it, but again--what on earth are the other options at this point? This fall, I will look into other options for next year, but I may be stuck with my son in some horrible school in early December. And that just sucks.

I'm pretty annoyed right now, but will provide the school with the documentation they want, work on my little guy's behavior, and then hope for the best once fall hits.

At certain points in life (it seems through most of my life), we operate without a safety net. That's certainly the case here.

School Meeting

The school called today. They want to have a meeting with us next week to set up an "action plan" for next year. I think this is a good idea.

Squirrel's dad is pretty hostile--thinks that part of the administration has a pretty negative approach toward us. I disagree--if they didn't want Squirrely, they would have refused to admit him for next year. That said...I think it would be wise for us to consider other options in the fall, when we actually have a chance to make a move.

I know that the bilingual school is important to Squirrel's dad, and I don't quite know how to reconcile this with our son's behavioral issues.

His graduation is in a week and a half. I was told that the teachers (I'm sure one in particular) requested that he be excluded from the graduation show. I was so happy that the head teacher refused--she said that he has to be included, and that if he misbehaves on the day of the show, then he will just have to sit it out. I think he will be fine--he's very excited! His gown is at the dry cleaner's, I ordered a seersucker suit for him to wear, and we will go shoe shopping on Sunday.

I'll ramp up the pressure on him--make him know that seeing him do this show, and do it well, is very important to me.

They also were thinking of keeping him away from the school picnic, citing concerns that he would be a danger to himself! I assured them that his impulsivity is limited to driving people crazy. Squirrel never has done anything like run into the street, or jump off high places or anything. It's all about absolutely driving people to distraction. I'm not entirely sure that this impulse has anything at all to do with ADHD, because his father and uncle are exactly the same way. Yes, his dad has ADHD, but his uncle does not. Making people scream in frustration is very fun for them. I screamed in frustration no less than three times prior to breakfast.

I have to think about some gifts for the teachers for year-end. Maybe nothing for the teacher who is so hard on him--but gift cards for the others!

So, that's my big fun. They also want us to have him work with a behavioral person, so now I have to find this--not the easiest thing to find a good person.

I almost cried at the idea of Squirrel being kept out of these activities. As much as he seems quite rugged, he's a sensitive boy and would be very hurt. He's had to be so tough about these things--he knows that a lot of kids don't like him because of his behavior, and he just can't seem to stop himself.

I just really really hope that we are able to work through this, and he can be a happy, successful adult. I worry about this, of course...I don't want him to be unsuccessful when he's at college and out of my hands...I don't want him to be fired over and over from jobs because of this. It's just such a waste of a sweet, smart kid.

So, we finally managed to fill the Ritalin prescription. I wound up sitting with the baby in the car while Squirrel and his dad hung around the pharmacy waiting for the script to be filled.

Having him take 5 mgs in the AM and 2.5 at noon seems to be a good balance.

We did learn that he has to eat something before taking the meds. On Sunday, we went out for brunch at about 11. I had given Squirrel the ritalin at maybe 9:30 or so, and he looked positively stoned by the time we got to the restaurant. He sat there all glassy-eyed and basically ate nothing but whipped cream. I felt like a jerk of a mom, but it's all a learning curve.

It is strange for me to have my son be under control. I guess I am accustomed to him being wildly unruly and incredibly demanding of my attention. In a way (and I feel strange admitting this), I miss it. I kind of miss chasing him around, miss having him jump all over me.

Of course, I don't miss having him be in trouble, so I'm not going to get all "Munchausen by proxy" and stop medicating him or anything!

It will be odd for me to have (I hope!) a "normal" kid with Squirrel's brother. To me, a kid with ADHD *is* normal--not being able to sit and watch TV, never being able to play alone, constantly being all over mommy...perhaps this goes to my own neediness and insecurity, but I wonder if I will feel ineffectual as a mom if I don't have to always be *on* with the little brother...

We seem to have reached a good place, for now (though I haven't heard back from the school on this yet). It would make me really happy to have this dosage figured out in advance of his starting first grade. He's been quite apprehensive about his own ability to stay focused as school becomes more academic, and I would love for this not to be something he has to worry about.

This summer, Squirrel will be spending a month with my parents. They are excited to have him there & on meds. They had him for almost 5 weeks last summer, and I think he aged them.

Squirrel's dad successfully took him to see the Dr. yesterday (and he didn't even get a parking ticket--at least not that he told me about).

The dosage update: Squirrel will get 5 mg in the AM, and then an additional 2.5 at lunch. This was my idea--it seemed that he needed more than 5 a day, but the idea of bringing him up to 10 seemed like a bit too much. This also means I don't have to file another form with the school, since he will take the same amount while there.

Anyway, this AM the school called me to say that Squirrel was being kept back from the field trip today...he had been working toward going all week. It seems that this morning at snack time, he spit food all over the place and then laughed at the teachers when they tried to discipline him.

Well, we can make him sit still...but we can't stop him from trying to be the class clown. It's still going to be fart jokes and potty humor, booty shaking dances and such. Ritalin does nothing to tone down personality...The school did the right thing. Squirrely is in the office right now doing worksheets.

I guess that's good information for the anti-ADHD medication folks out there...

A little vent here: I know Ritalin is a strong drug, and I know that it is highly regulated, but I feel like a criminal when I go to the pharmacy to pick it up! I posted here that our local pharmacies don't carry it (fear of robbery, fair enough). So, I haul myself to another nabe last night to pick it up at the 24 hour pharmacy.

No, they can't fill the script b/c the doc wrote June 1st on it (fine, again), so I asked if I could leave it and just pick up the pills tomorrow. No, we're out of Ritalin and only the head pharmacist can order it, so it wouldn't come in until Monday.

Aaaaurgh! I have to get this stuff tonight! I had enough for this morning, but now I'm completely out. So, I will be wandering from pharmacy to pharmacy with my prescription, like a junkie trying to cash a forged check or something. Stupid. I asked the pharmacist if I could get them to keep Squirrel's supply in stock if I use that pharmacy regularly. He told me he was a "temp" and I'd have to talk to the "head pharmacist". Him/her again! Good grief. I had no idea that there was a pharmacist heirarchy.